Preparing for Marriage: Lesson 5

Oh, the dating life. We all have our stories, wether they be good, bad or just plain ugly! Well folks, it's time to rid ourselves of these horror stories by going over some dating essentials that if abided buy will guide us to dating success, aka- marriage preparation! Let me stress to you that your engagement is not only a time to plan your wedding, but a time to plan your marriage.

Dates should always be: 

Planned- This allows the male figure in the relationship to "step up", if you will, and prove himself as a dominant care taker and someone who is willing to step up to the plate.
Paid for- In the earlier stages of the relationship, when the man in is able to and willing to provide the funds for the courtship, this displays his ability and desire to provide for you as a husband. If courtship continues and becomes a more serious relationship, it would then become appropriate to discuss how you might divide the funds appropriately and responsibly between the two of you.
Paired off- When dates become paired off, this becomes an opportunity in which the male figure in the relationship can show his willingness to stand up for and protect his female counterpart. When being put in a one-on-one situation, it becomes easier to see that person from every angle and in every situation.

The second point I would like to address on the topic of marriage preparation are the different types of love. You might be confused by this statement, wondering how there could be more than one type of love. We're talking about the "ooshy gooshy" romantic type love, right? Well, here's some food for thought...The kind of love you fall into, you can also fall out of. That is why it is so imperative that you build your relationship on the four following types of love.

• Agape
• Love or concern for fellow men
• Charity
• General Love
• No need to have met someone to have this type of love for them
• Philios
• Brotherly love
• Non-romantic
• Plutonic
• Eros
• Romantic
• Passionate
• Storge
• The type of love that a parent possesses for their child

Once you learn about these types of love, it is easy to understand how gaining a part of each of these types of love for your significant other would deepen and strengthen your love for each other and cause your relationship and marriage to flourish. 

Transitions in Marriage: Lesson 6

There are many transitions that occur during the span of a marriage. One significant one that I am going to focus on during this post is the transition of having your first child. Many things about the family dynamic change when a child is born. For example, the father may need to work more due to the new expenses, the possibility of less physical intimacy occurring, husbands feeling insignificant in child rearing at such a young age, and many many more. Some of the efforts we can make to ensure a continued sense of unity between husband and wife during such a transition are as follows:

• Showing appreciation for husband
• Involve husband in pregnancy
• Go to doctors visits together
• Make decisions about the baby together (nursery, name, who will be present at birth, etc...)
• Tell your husband what you're physically feeling throughout the pregnancy. 
• Focus on being a couple
• DON'T STOP DATING DURING PREGNANCY!
• Share responsibilities of care taking 

The overall message that is crucial to live by in your marriage is...be mindful. Be mindful in your actions and your words, be a mindful mother, be a mindful wife, be a mindful husband, daughter, sister and brother. When you do this you are making a choice. You are choosing to continue to be one. Never become parallel, always strive to grow closer together. 

The Family Under Stress: Lesson 8

I don't think that it would surprise anyone to learn that when a family system is under stress, or is going through a family crisis, it can cause tension in the family. Because we know at least this much, it is important for us to take charge in learning how to cope with these stressors in our family system.

This week we discussed an outline of factors that contribute to how a family copes with stress and crises. When we understand the elements that contribute, we are better able to make adjustments to them. The outline is as follows:

A- Actual stressor event/crisis 

B- Both resources and responses

C- Cognitions (The way you think and feel about the event. Your perspective)

X- The total experience  

When we look at a crisis from these standpoints, we are more able to evaluate the situation from a realistic perspective. It is like being in a room behind a cinderblock wall and looking out through a hole the size of a quarter...but when you take a step back and evaluate the situation using the ABCX model, you can see through a window that spans the length of the room! Doing so allows you to make decisions that are better for your family in the long run. 

Communication & Mutual Problem Solving: Lesson 9

We've all heard the term "communication is key", and to some extent that is very true. However there is something about communication that we need to take a closer look at. I don't think we have a problem trying to pick up on what people are trying to communicate, so much as how we interpret what people are trying to communicate. This is called encoding and decoding.

For example, encoding might occur when someone is being quiet because they are shy around someone that they have recently met, and incorrect decoding occurs when the person they just met feels that they are being standoffish or judgmental. Studies show that communication is 14% verbal, 35% tone, and 57% non-verbal. Do you see how incorrect communication might disrupt an entire relationship? This occurs more often than not, and if we cannot come to a knowledge of it and learn how to use this knowledge, our family systems could suffer significantly.

"We want to communicate not just so clearly that we are understood,

 but so clearly that we cannot be misunderstood."

 - Harold B. Lee

Fathers & Finances: Lesson 10

This week we discussed the important role that fathers have in the home. It is a common trend for husbands to feel insignificant once the couple starts having children. As mothers take on a more nurturing role, fathers can easily tossed to the side or feel as if they are unwanted as part of the child rearing process. It is crucial for fathers to recognize their role as a caretaker and a provider in the home. Some of the fatherly roles that we have discussed during class time are as follows:

• Provide sufficiently (food, shelter, clothing, etc...)
• Teach children shared family values and principles 
• Teach children responsibility
• Be mindful of the mothers nurturing influence
• Establish family norms and rules
• Found a parent/child relationship of trust and confidence 

In addition to these things, it is so important that fathers realize what an impact their presence has on the outcome of their children. As I mentioned before, many fathers come to feel that their influence is insignificant, and I am here to tell you that this could not be further from the truth. A fathers involvement in the home has shown to have a positive influence on children's cognitive, social and behavioral development. A child who has a healthy and stable relationship with their father is less likely to have behavioral problems, have better grades in school, is able to form healthy and functional relationships better in life, and is more able to cope with challenges that life presents.

Knowing all of this, it is easier to be a more mindful parent, and easier to see to it that fatherhood involvement does not fade or dissipate.

Parenting: Lesson 11

We learned this week about a couple of different aspects of parenting. The first was the purpose of parenting and the second was, active parenting. 

We discussed that parenting does not only benefit the child by providing his or her basic needs, but it benefits parents in so many ways. Some societal norms would have people believe that parenting is for those who get old and have nothing else to do, or those who have so much time on their hands that they can afford to waste it by just being parents rather than furthering their careers etc...

It is so important to realize that being a parent can benefit the parent themselves so much. Individuals learn how to become completely selfless, they learn how to teach and be teachable, and they learn to put a lot of things about life into perspective. It is crucial that parents learn what their purpose is. A few things outlined by one modern day researcher include the following:

Courage

Teaching your child how to make a known risk for a known benefit. 

Cooperation

Learning how to work, and work well with others. 

Responsibility

The ability to respond appropriately to challenges and opportunities. Learning the reality of choices and consequences. 

Respect

Learning to esteem others and to give admiration to them, despite possible differences in beliefs or values. A general love of mankind, a sense of "brotherhood" etc...

When we can understand that parenting us about much more than providing for the basic needs of the child, it will be a much more rewarding part of life. 

Divorce, Remarriage & Aging Families: Lesson 12

Blending families can come as a challenge to anyone, even with the best intentions. It is not an easy thing to blend a family, but with the correct knowledge and an eye for knowing what is best, you can help children adjust properly and form healthy relationships with step-parents.

Step-parents can help children adjust by not being too hard on them. It is also important that they are not too demanding. This allows children to adjust to having this new parental role in the home smoothly. It is also important that Step-parents try not to play a corrective roll as a new parent within the first two years of marriage.

It is also important to keep in mind that it will indeed take some time to gain a sense of normalcy within the new family system. This sense of normalcy could take up to two years to obtain. In this time period, the step-parent should assume a role similar to that of a "fantastic aunt or uncle" if you will. When blending a family, it is important that the two parents discipline together. When they do this, the family gains a sense of "ours" rather than mine or yours.